As I’ve mentioned before I have had my share of struggles with depression. My diagnosis is really the reason I think the way I do about happiness. It’s why I am constantly analyzing how I feel and what I am doing all day every day.
Most of the time we identify with the sadness end of depression. You think of the hopeless feeling or the overall melancholy feeling.
Sometimes for me though it manifests in the inability to really act. It just kind of saps me dry and I end up sitting somewhere focusing one one thing, or nothing for a day or more. That’s where I’ve been the last few days.
It’s hard to describe. I haven’t been exactly sad, no nasty thoughts going on or anything really. I just have had little to no interest in anything.
So I curled up with the TV or phone games for the last 3 days or so. I didn’t write anything for the site, wasn’t active on my Twitter account for it. I didn’t make any new content or work on new printables either. Literally, I just did nothing at all for a few days.
Granted I usually work 40 hours a week and put at least 20 more weekly into this site and related projects, so one could say I was about due to shut down for a bit.
Still, as I start to surface back to the real world I have the guilt of that lost time nagging at me and the battle back up my hill of motivation.
Now, standing on the other side of this listless period I’m reminded again of my mantra here, that happy is something you do.
I didn’t remember most of my daily routines or commitments the last few days and it was felt in my mood. Sure, I wasn’t really sad, but I sure was not happy, or motivated or any of my usual traits. I just kind of drifted along.
I am realizing now more than ever how amazing writing this site has been for me. In sharing what I do to be happy most days I remind myself. I put it all through a microscope and really think about it.
More than anything it inspires me. By writing and sharing about things that may make others feel good, it makes me feel better. I do research and find new things almost every day that I can add to my processes.
I keep going back to thinking that I’m failing on some level with this site because my viewership is pretty low. I am not monetizing anything, I don’t have a huge social media following. By all normal accounts this is a pretty sad excuse for a blog.
What I know now is the immense value it has given to me with how I feel. If I never get over 20 viewers a day I will keep going. If I never do figure out a book to write or something to sell or a way to make this my job, I will still keep going. Even if I never figure out how to write my message in a way that really helps people, I will keep going.
No matter the oh paper results this site has helped me far more than I could have imagined.
I’m now more motivated than ever to improve even. I want to find what triggers these listless periods and how to break out of them.
In fact that’s my next mission, how to hold myself accountable to do what I talk about every single day. How to make sure I don’t lose more chunks of time to just zoning out and letting it pass.
Inspiration sometimes comes from when we’re weak or let ourselves down. Rather than wallow in what has already happened I’m going to use it as an opportunity to see the weakness and change it.