I tend to be harder on myself than anyone else in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love myself plenty, I’m just not good at forgiving myself.
Admitting to past mistakes
I don’t talk much here about taking care of your physical self, mostly because I’m not great at that either. It’s one of those things where I don’t want to talk about stuff I don’t feel I can give good advice on.
What I am good at psychically is getting really fat.
So good that just over 4 years ago I tipped the scales at a whopping 400 pounds.
Quick disclaimer here. Everyone is different, and I am talking only to my own feelings and experiences. Nothing here is meant to be general sweeping statements or judgement on anyone else’s body size.
For me 400 pounds was life changing. I’ve never been skinny, but I was always fairly healthy. No normal weight related issues, no back problems or anything else. When I maxed out that started to change. Moving hurt, walking hurt, everything hurt all the time.
More than anything I hurt. I was so angry, so hurt with myself for doing this to my body. It was my own doing, my fault alone. I saw no way I would ever get out from under it and for a while was the most miserable I’ve ever been.
As usual, my mom was my saving grace. When I started looking into gastric bypass she encouraged me. At my worst when I was sure I would never actually manage to complete the whole list of requirements for getting the surgery, she pushed me. She showed me that I was worth it and made me see hope.
I was capable of better
The steps to qualify for surgery were extensive and took me almost a full year. There were nutritionists, group therapy sessions and possibly hardest of all I had to quit smoking.
October 2013 I had the surgery, and about a year and a half later I was 200 pounds lighter.
Typing it out like that sounds like one thing automatically created the other. The truth is there was a lot of work put into that year and a half. The change to my body meant I had to totally change my relationship with food.
Eating more than about 8 grams of sugar at a time made me feel sick. Eating more than half a cup of food at a time made me feel sick. I had to choose what little I did eat carefully for it’s nutritional value and think through each meal. Not taking the time to chew everything fully would, you guessed it, make me sick.
There are a lot of wonderful blogs out there dedicated to life after gastric bypass, so I will pass on expanding further. The point I want to make though is that it was a struggle even with the tool of the surgery. It was a fully life changing process.
Losing that weight was one of the single best accomplishments of my life.
I’ve maintained it pretty easily for 4 years now, always staying within about a 10 pound range. First time in my life I’ve been a stable weight!
So you can imagine my heartbreak when I stepped on the scale yesterday and it was 20 pounds higher than usual.
Of course it’s my fault alone again. My tolerance for junk food has been going up in the years after the surgery, and boy do I love cookies.
The difference today
The difference this time is I’m not going to beat myself up. I’m going to reverse it long before it becomes life altering again and I’m going to get right back where I should be.
I know it’s possible to get that number back down and keep it there because I’ve done it before. I refuse to get mad at myself and feel like garbage for this mistake.
The way I’m approaching this is showing me how much I’ve grown over the last few years.
Being kind includes being kind to yourself! All the things I talk about doing for others can just as easily apply to your own self care.
I forgive myself for this mistake. I will make a plan and I will correct it. It will all be done with love and self kindness because I’m worthy of that.
I’ve learned that it’s possible to want to improve yourself without hating yourself for the flaws.